Month: February 2016

Chasing Happiness

Posted on by His Precious Daughter

I always thought that happiness was in what I owned. I grew up very poor (according to our standards here in America), and it was my desire for happiness that drove me to desire money, and eventually, into the arms of sexual exploitation. I drowned myself in things, but, the happiness never came. I sought for it in men, but, it never came. I sought for happiness till I was suffocating with disappointment. I stuffed my sorrows down with drugs till I wanted to die. I thought I would never be happy …and at this point I knew I did not deserve it. It wasn’t until I was with child that I even dared to hope that my life could be different. I wanted to change but I was still trapped in an abusive relationship being told all the things my father told me as a child. I was worthless and did not deserve anything better.
My love for my daughter, now born, grew, and with it I had hope. Hope turned to courage and courage turned to relief when I had her father arrested for domestic violence. Relief turned to being able to breath again and my love for my little girl grew so strong. I did not want her to experience the life I had lived.
Even though my daughter filled my life with joy, I was not happy with myself. There was still  something missing and so much pain from the shame, guilt, and so much hurt. I started to look more closely to Jesus and He called me His own and started to restore my heart, healing and restoring the darkest parts in me that I thought could never be healed. I never truly knew what Grace was, and until I realized that He had died for every single moment in my pathetic existence I had called a life, I could not see myself the way He actually saw me.  How much He loves His Precious Daughter. Oh, how much He loves us all.
         Shortly after the realization of who I was in Him Is when I got the call to tell my story and speak up for the ones who can’t speak for themselves. Sharing my pain and escape with others brought even more healing and joy. Loving others brought on a deep desire to help others heal and over time my own confidence grew and I started to see my true potential as a women in Christ and as the mother He had called me to be. I have a love for the hurting because I understand and as my love grows with my compassion I see what you are truly worth. I see what I have to offer the world and my daughter. I see that I can be the mother that she needs in her life. I struggled with forgiveness still. It wasn’t until recently that I could truly let go and forgive. I had to ask God for a change of heart and the belief needed to  have faith and make the change was within me all along. As I mature in knowing Gods love I know I’m not the unworthy, broken vessel that I always thought I was. I am an extravagant gift of love and compassion, and knowing this, for me, is true happiness. I have a long way to go but I’m looking forward to the rest of my life figuring it out as continue to chase happiness.
M. Fawn Saylor
Oct 9, 2015


What we have all been through in this life,
Makes us so unique.
Unique in our different struggles,
Unique in our strengths to ride out this journey,
and Capable to overcome.
See your worth, and know
You are not only uniquely strong and beautiful,
But extravagantly gifted and loved,
And true happiness is at knocking at your door
Let Jesus in.
 M.F.S.
June 2015

My Resilience

Posted on by His Precious Daughter

 

      I have not always thought of myself as resilient. Not in the least. Looking back now I see that I must have, otherwise, how could I even be sitting here right now typing away with ease? As long as I can remember, I have had to be strong. I often felt, as a child, like I was my mother’s mother and I felt responsible for my brother and sister’s wellbeing and sanity. I remember how I constantly tried to figure out how I could keep them safe …from my father. My mother called me her responsible one, but looking back over the years I cannot see how I was responsible. If I was so responsible and strong I would not have ended up in the situations that I did, allowing myself to be taken advantage of and suffering so much pain and despair as a result of my life choices.
Reflection tells me I am only being hard on myself and that indeed my level of resilience has definitely increased as a result of the amount of trauma I have encountered in my life. I think back on all the times I have survived a life threatening situation and even the thoughts of suicide. Someone recently told me after hearing my story that I reminded them of the cat with nine lives. I should be dead, but I’m not. I’m still here and stronger than ever.
My ability to deal with stress is strong yes, although, from an early childhood conditioning, I accepted certain behavior which allowed more traumas to happen over time. Maybe it was that acceptance that brought in a certain strength and ability to get through it. I’m still figuring that out but what has helped me now more than ever to be strong is my faith in God. I am absolutely reliant on His strength rather than my own. My Faith in a heavenly father is the glue to all of my broken pieces. He is what holds it all together for me. There is only so much that we can humanly bear before reaching that breaking point.
M. Fawn Saylor
March 16, 2015

Recognizing Why Kindness to You, Is Kindness to Me

Posted on by His Precious Daughter

 

    I recognize the importance in helping others and understand that in doing so, it helps me. The biggest part of my recovery from the Victim mentality was found in helping other victims. As a survivor of sexual exploitation and domestic violence, I have found that it is essential for my own self-healing to be a healer of others that have gone through, or are still going through, what I and a few others have experience…d. Unfortunately I did not just arrive at this conclusion all of a sudden. It took a lot of time healing and recognizing my part and forgiving myself and others. I had to first recognize that I was not a Victim any longer. I say Victim with a capital V because it is the self-made victim I am referring to, meaning; I was victimized, but, continue to be a victim by staying in the hurt and blaming society for my problems. By being able to see my part and accept responsibility, I could finally forgive myself and my abusers.
Having experienced the things that I have leads me to be especially empathetic for anyone going through it. It gives me an ability to step inside their world of hurt and use my experience to help them turn it around for the better. Not only have I become empathetic to their needs but I have a strong longing to be there for them. I feel like it is my duty and in doing so I further my recovery process.
I’m not helping others to help myself though. I’m genuinely concerned for others, and I think that that is the key to the reward in helping others. I cannot imagine doing it with a selfish motive. The end result would not be the same. I’m not sure how to explain it, but, if it is all self-motivated how are you really helping the other person?
M. Fawn Saylor
March 2015

My Happiness on Purpose

Posted on by His Precious Daughter

 

      As a co-dependent for most of my life I had based most of my happiness on other people. I knew first hand that the happiness fairy would not be knocking at my door. In fact, I very rarely experienced happiness as a child and drew on the concept that it was other people and/or circumstances that where responsible for my happiness. I lived most of my life feeling helpless and not in control of my life. It wasn’t until I began taking responsibility for my actions, by finding my part in every situation, that I was able to comprehend the idea that I was actually responsible for how I thought, felt, and my own happiness.
The last 2 years has been a journey of self-discovery and change. I have “eliminated emotional contamination” by changing the way I perceive each situation and furthermore changing my attitude. By no longer focusing the blame onto others and myself for my circumstances, I accept my part and learn to forgive. Once I can forgive then I am free to live in gratitude.
Maintaining an attitude of gratitude is easier said than done. When I feel myself start to spiral down into blame or a pity party of despair I remind myself of all that I am grateful for today. Once back into an attitude of gratitude I find myself constantly thankful for the simplest of things. I find pleasure from the wind in my hair to the look on my daughter’s face when she is contemplating how to put a sentence together. The simple things in life are what give me the most joy and take precedence over any struggle as I am reminded that, in fact, the simple things are what are most important, for they are the things that give me joy.
I find a renewed strength in shifting my focus from negative to positive, and when I start to get discouraged and am in doubt I say a prayer of gratitude for the things yet to come and am encouraged once again. I can do this at least once a day but I find myself doing it more and more and it is becoming almost habitual. This ability to be grateful is proof that change can be concrete and positively impact what was once so detrimentally negative in my life. This change had to be an inward change and now I find myself learning to be active in self-care as well, not just an inward soul care but caring for my body as well. Recognizing when I need a break and doing things that will make me feel good and healthy will complete the cycle of change in creating happiness in my life. When I take the time to de-stress and have some fun and actually relax and reflect, I find a sense of freedom and refreshment and more time to focus on the things that make me happy purposefully.
M. Fawn Saylor
March 16, 2015

The Lasting Affect of Negative Self-Talk In My Life

Posted on by His Precious Daughter

 

     Negative self-talk has affected my self-esteem for the majority of my life and even still today from time to time. It has been painstakingly difficult to unlearn such a lifelong pattern of thought and behavior, but has been a necessary improvement to my current ongoing success. Our childhood plays a major role in how we apply positive or negative self-talk. I grew up with a verbally abusive father who always told… me that I would never amount to anything and I was worthless and dumb. I did not realize the impact that this had on my life till only a couple years ago when I started to break the cycle and change my life. I have finally started to receive healing from a life of pain that in, my opinion, was the underlying result of my psychological belief of this negative self-talk. The belief that I wasn’t worth loving, no matter how much I wanted to be loved, conditioned my under-developed brain, causing me to commit and allow actions of demoralizing behavior, further leading to patterns of co-dependence in abusive relationships, as well as allowing myself to be sexually exploited. Today I do see my self-worth and value most of the time, although there are still times where I regress. I have to constantly remind myself of my strength and beauty. “I am a survivor.”
M. Fawn Saylor
March 2015

My Heart Is Your Heart

Posted on by His Precious Daughter

 

God you gave me a heart
so that I could feel,
You came in to my heart
that I might forever kneel,
 You cleansed my heart
so I could love for real,
 Now please break my heart…
so I might help others heal.
M. Fawn Saylor
7/26/14 

Revelation

Posted on by His Precious Daughter

 

 My 1st Poem after yrs. of not being able to write anything.
In the looking glass she sees a reflection of her life past.
An image appears, and reveals the face of a smiling, laughing, baby girl.
A feeling of warmth rushes over her as she remembers what was so long forgotten.
Another image becomes clear and she sees her mother cowering in fear.
Then another of her father with fist raised in anger.
More and more images appearing, filling her with horror, and panic sets in.
She looks away briefly, but, curiosity turns her gaze back toward the mirror.
The next image shows a young girls face, expressionless, and she is solemnly still.
The picture changes again, showing a dark tunnel with a clear light at the end.
As it gets brighter she is flooded with a familiar feeling of love and contentment.
Then she remembers that day she found Jesus and opened her heart again to trust.
Visions now flowing steadily threw the looking glass of all the things He had shown to her in those nightly dreams of escape.
Clearly she sees all the times He lead her by the hand as they flew above the rooftops of life while explaining to her the ways of the world and man.
She turns away again, this time to wipe away her tears.
Gently sobbing, she cries, “Father, I remember now. How could I have ever forgotten this place? Where did I go Astray?
She looks again into the mirror and sees the light fading away as a yet another image is made clear of a young women just lost her virginity by force.
Darkness sets in with another paralyzing image of her face now frozen and cold.
Now more pictures flowing quickly by, one after the other, of all the things she had done thinking she was worthless.
Spreading her legs for validation and riches, using drugs to numb the pain of the emptiness inside.
Enough she thinks, then slowly, another picture appears, and she turns away in shame.
She remembers “him” and the things she let “him” do to her.
Seeing the pictures of all the bruises and emotional scars she shudders at the thought of the next image.
Then the looking glass clears to reveal a glass pipe in this broken woman’s hand, and as she sees that she is unmistakably with child, she drops the mirror to the floor.
She can’t take it anymore and falls to her knees
Hands on her belly she cries out “Oh God, Oh God, What have I done?”
She screams out in anguish of her sin and prays fervently for the safety of her unborn child.
“Father,” she cries ” if you protect my little girl, I will give her to you, I give her to you now.”
“Can you ever forgive me?”
“Can I still call you Father?”
She glances once more into the looking glass that now lay at her knees, and recognizing her present self finally, she sees a light growing around her, and an outstretched hand at her side.
“Could it be?”
“Could it really be?”
Disbelief turning to hope she turns to look and falls on her face as she is covered by grace and a loud voice echoes through her entire being.
“Arise, My Beautiful Daughter.”
“I Was Always Here.”
“I Have Already Forgiven You.
Trembling with pure joy she looked up.
“I believe” she said, “help me with my unbelief”

Oh SWEET victory in JESUS
MY Savior for Ever
For He STILL sought me because He bought me
With His redeeming blood.
All my love is Due Him.

M. Fawn Saylor
April 2014

Cold and Empty

Posted on by His Precious Daughter

My mothers screams of anguish ringing in my ears,
My fathers words of hate bringing me to tears.

All through my childhood hearing suicide threats.
Living my life in violence and regrets.
I try to understand my parents from each and every side.
No sooner than does hate and blame rush in like a vast and angry tide.
It spews my onto the shore
Leaving me now more cold and empty than ever before.
M. FAWN SAYLOR
Feb 28, 2006

 

This is one of my first few poems ever written. This was written during a very low point in my life. Where there is no God there is no hope.

 

I ONLY BEND SOFAR

Posted on by His Precious Daughter

 

You can take my love, and drink me dry.
you can brake my heart, I know how to cry,

Feed off of my passion, as at a banquet you dine.
But, share it with another, and never again shall you be mine.
M. FAWN SAYLOR 
Dec 6, 2005

 

This is one of my first few poems ever written. This was written during a very low point in my life. Where there is no God there is no hope.

Porcelain Portrait

Posted on by His Precious Daughter

She is the image of a porcelain doll
One face
One look…
Her eyes are the doorway to her soul
Push her off of the shelf and she will break
Piece her back together again
She is not the same
Now can you see the tears she was hiding?
M. Fawn Saylor, August 10, 2005