I have not always thought of myself as resilient. Not in the least. Looking back now I see that I must have, otherwise, how could I even be sitting here right now typing away with ease? As long as I can remember, I have had to be strong. I often felt, as a child, like I was my mother’s mother and I felt responsible for my brother and sister’s wellbeing and sanity. I remember how I constantly tried to figure out how I could keep them safe …from my father. My mother called me her responsible one, but looking back over the years I cannot see how I was responsible. If I was so responsible and strong I would not have ended up in the situations that I did, allowing myself to be taken advantage of and suffering so much pain and despair as a result of my life choices.
Reflection tells me I am only being hard on myself and that indeed my level of resilience has definitely increased as a result of the amount of trauma I have encountered in my life. I think back on all the times I have survived a life threatening situation and even the thoughts of suicide. Someone recently told me after hearing my story that I reminded them of the cat with nine lives. I should be dead, but I’m not. I’m still here and stronger than ever.
My ability to deal with stress is strong yes, although, from an early childhood conditioning, I accepted certain behavior which allowed more traumas to happen over time. Maybe it was that acceptance that brought in a certain strength and ability to get through it. I’m still figuring that out but what has helped me now more than ever to be strong is my faith in God. I am absolutely reliant on His strength rather than my own. My Faith in a heavenly father is the glue to all of my broken pieces. He is what holds it all together for me. There is only so much that we can humanly bear before reaching that breaking point.
M. Fawn Saylor
March 16, 2015