Being an advocate is deeply meaningful to me today. The truth is…advocacy often starts in the quiet moments. It starts when someone is finally believed. When a door is opened. When a safe place is offered without judgment….with this environment, hope grows into the belief of possibility while courage moves us into action.

Looking back,…I never imagined that the most painful chapters of my life could someday fuel a mission to protect others. I never saw myself as particularly brave and advocacy wasn’t a role I sought, it was simply something I grew into out of necessity. I spoke up because silence was no longer an option. I kept going because I met others who had endured far worse and deserved far better. It became a solution to consistent barriers that needed breaking down, and an attitude of perseverance and lack of willingness to take no for an answer.

Advocacy, to me, is also about walking alongside others, not in front of them, gently leading and clearing the path just enough so they can move forward with dignity, power, and choice. It’s about changing broken and flawed systems, and rewriting the narratives we’ve been told about who deserves safety and freedom.

There’s still so much work to do, but today, I pause to reflect with gratitude. I am grateful to have had enough resilience left after the pause in my suffering to turn it around into resistance of the acceptance of things as they are, and the belief in a world that can’t be changed. I’m blessed to have gained a community of others like myself where together we fight for a world where the advocacy we do is no longer necessary, and I’m not in this alone. Some days are more tiring than others, but I pray I never lose my fire, nor stop listening to the spirit that guides it all. I pray that I carry the hope forward with purpose, so I may continue to fight until every person has the freedom, the safety, and the dignity they deserve.

Early childhood sexual abuse and then rape by the age of 14 pushed my fragile mind and vulnerable body into the arms of exploitation after running away from home at 15. Over the next 17 years, I experienced both labor and sex  trafficking, commercial sexual exploitation, domestic violence, and servitude. I was labor trafficked 3 times before the age of 18, and as an adult, due to my grooming and volnurability to sexual exploitation, by the age of 21 I had fallen deeply into commercial sexual exploitation through legal chanels of prostitution via strip clubs and escort services. I nearly lost my life at the hands of sex buyers on more than one occasion during this period. I was trapped in a system of prostitution that I thought I could control, but in truth, I was nothing more than an object for sale. Nothing more than a body to be used by men as they saw fit…..but I learned very young that that’s what men want.
When money changed hands, I was expected to comply with every whim and desire, and it never truly felt like consent. If I refused to comply, I was beat or strangled, and then finally…at the age of 22… left for dead. As an adult adapted to my life, I had fleeting moments of false empowerment as I could sometimes have the final say in who, what, when, and where….but this wasn’t empowerment,….it was SURVIVAL…and then finally….through legal avenues of sexual exploitation, I was trafficked again…only this time for sex. I escaped after another near death experience at the hands of a buyer and walked away from that industry entirely….only to fall victim to DV and then labor trafficking once more and forced servitude. This time…taken across state lines all over the US. Now 30 years old, stuck in this life I thought I could not escape, pregnant and hopeless, my only way out was to try and take my life.

My whole life until this point, I  felt as if I was screaming inside for something to change, for a real chance at a life of happiness…whatever that was. I did not know..nor could Idare to dream of my life ahead far removed…but I survived…and at last…I made it out…for as a young mother…I had to find a way to keep my baby girl safe…so a month before her first birthday, I found an out after another beating, and I fled and never looked back.

Today I barely recognize the woman and girl I once was, for I found myself with real purpose…that of being a mother, and that purpose grew not only to protect her, but now to safegaurd ever other woman and girl finding themselves abandoned by systems that were meant to keep them safe, and cast aside by those they loved, left to be used for sexual gratification by the rest of the world that feeds off of their loss, volnurability, and pain.
For far too long, we’ve let people view sex trafficking and prostitution as something separate or as a vitimless or non serious crime, but not as a form of gender-based violence. Not as inherently harmful as it is. Making excuses for those who benefit the most when legislation ignores our pleas and looks the other way. In reality it’s, extreme violence against women and girls like me, and until laws like the survival model are passed, we will continue to be abused and lose our lives while society turns a blind eye to its complicity as it allows perpetrators to go unchecked. Too long these systems have revictimised by adding blame on the exploited and enough is enough. We have had enough. We are dying out here.

The survivor model is the way, and it doesn’t just provide exit from exploitation, but assistance  with funding for victim support straight from the pockets that purchased us and relieves financial burden from the state. It ensures that there are stronger legal tools to target the predators who think they can buy and sell human lives. It also educates our communities and breaks down the normalization of one of the oldest forms of oppression of women and girls.

Hear us now. We can not waste any more time debating the difference between sex trafficking and the harms of prostitution or whether or not there is agency in it, because while you do….we keep dying. DO NO HARM. Listen to survivors and send a clear message to victims that they are heard, seen, and valued.

I’m am long past the pain of what I’ve endured but I’m still screaming inside…only now from the frustration I feel at all the ears that refuse to hear the truth about the harms of prostitution and other forms of exploitation. I’m calling out for help from all of you now… all of you in seats that have the power to offer us hope and safety. I’m calling out for all the Me’s out there still fighting to survive. HELP US. SAVE US. RESCUE US. For those still stuck, do not know the way.

If you knew what I’ve been through,
You’d know why I care so deeply.
If you knew what I’d had to do to stay alive,
You’d know why I fight so hard.
If you knew what I’ve faced,
You’d know why I never stop trying.
If you knew what I have lost,
You’d know why I give as I do.
If you knew how I’ve lived,
You’d understand my tired eyes at times.
But If you knew how I survived,
Then you’d know why I love Him so much

…and how now I thrive.

When I start thinking about us, i start thinking in these narrow tunnels…tunnels that block everything out accept you and me and this growing devotion for you that I feel…and none of the day to day problems seem to matter….you see….it’s because of you that I drop fragments of my emotions everywhere I walk with each smile from my thoughts of you…..that everywhere I go and no matter where I am I feel like it will always be a part of us….for loneliness and despair has faded away and turned to Jubel…hope floats freely with every new step forward….and this…this worship i feel trickling through every fiber of my being…warming my viens, flowing all around as I pass by every place I have been with you and hope to be…leaving a mark in this world that’s lost its belief in love….rewiring my memories….reminding me of possibility…as you’ve moved my heart to want to pursue this life with you…to honor you and bring you glory…so here I am waiting…your extravagant gift…egar and hopeful…charged by your care…drawing out my future on your word….and with your breath in my lungs…I’m grateful as far as the east is to the west for you see me…you see me dressed in white…

When your life shatters, it’s like staring back at yourself through a broken mirror, it takes time to pick up the pieces and glue them back together.

In the beginning it’s hard to imagine that you could even do it. The pain cuts so deeply, but you will gather the strength to face the feelings and sift through the brokenness.

You can not however ignore it, for your edges will be left sharp, hurting not only you, but those who come into contact with you. So facing it is your main priority no matter how long it takes.

It’s okay to take your time. Stop and allow the feelings to be and then keep moving. Keep binding. When you feel you can’t go on, the need for survival will push you forward…

This is your time for growth, and there is no time limit. Just start with the first clear piece in front of you.

As you begin to bind the pieces you will see other areas needing improvement, and when it’s finally done, the mirror (your perspective) is not the same. It is now fortified leaving more room to build new life.

You now have multiple lenses to see through, and you can begin to be grateful for the disruption in your life, though painful, that brought you to this new point…the realization of who you really are, and who you can be. A stronger version of you filled with lines of unique character exposing, not weaknes, but courage, wisdom, and beauty. In the end you will see it was necessary.

Marjorie Saylor 5/3/21

When the memories past no longer haunt your every wish , the heart can beat again.
Gentle whispers of laughter tickling your cheek, add a spring to your step.
Hopes snuffed flame burns again, and trust comes knocking once more.
Courage pulls you forward, as confidence embraces anew.
The lungs new life rhythm sets the tone for an imperfect and exciting dance.
It carries on each learning step, growing bold…..into the night…..on into eternity.
Dance……dance……dance…..for you’re walking free.

7/24/19

We’ve been spining gleefully dancing together above the clouds. You’ve spun me left and right with your laughter and your charm. Your lifes song is loud and confident, mixing well with mine. I’ve been gladly following suit looking to you with anticipation of what steps might come next, trusting in your lead…excited by the newness of it all, waiting to see what new steps I can learn….what new sound will I hear as our symphonies entwine together… deeper and deeper…. but…somehow a fog is setting in and I lose my grip on your hand and can’t see clearly anymore which direction to turn for our dance. Our song is growing muffled…I can hardly see you anymore. For you are stuck in a step of uncertainty, hearing another tune distracting you perhaps…..not sure which move you want to make with me. Hopeful, I think we will make it through till the sun is clearly guiding us again and our symphony sounds burst through the haze….so…I keep spinning and dancing on my own, calling out for you to join…you don’t hear me though, and I stumble and fall off the edge starting my decent off of cloud nine, back to a reality that you might not have been the one, but just another brief change in my tune. I’m walking away to continue my own dance now. My lifes old song is playing sweetly in the distance,…. but, all I can hear is the missing music note that could make it complete.

These bars…..gilded….but stained with the many colors of experience….looking through the cracks…searching…so many different emotions flow through each day…the door to my lifes cage is open though…as it has always been…. only stuck by the fear to rebel against my own rules…comfortable in the luxury of being on my own….but underneath it all….trying to find the courage to allow myself to feel safe enough to really love and trust again…..each time I venture out the doorway….I’m knocked back in by the residue of past betrayal bonds….and I can not leave…..grasping at the hope of life, love, and the opportunities I see outside of this pre-written repeating script…the smell of real connection so near….a whole family…I can almost taste it…..my season of relational rest and security……a form of freedom unknown to me…so…for now…..no escape I see to truly claim what I want…so I wait…..feeling stuck in a pattern of self sacrifice and empathy….caring for the needs of those dependent on me…..loving that giving part of me…because….I’m lucky to have a heart that cares…..but at the same time….wishing for a different life…. hearing the call from above…I stay….charged with my orders to serve….not your time yet I hear….again and again…..a lady in waiting…..someday it will be my turn….dressed in white…cared for…..pursued…cherished….pulled from the mundane…..dancing in the freedom I’ll never stop chasing….and finally….that day…..the Cinderella in me…. will be free.

Nails bleeding, and arms trembling from the rocky climb; I look up into the  now clear sky as I finally reach the top of the cliff. What felt like an endless journey out of a life of exploitation is over….I inhale new life as I catch my breath. “I made it!” I think to myself  lying on my back with the tears stinging my eyes. “I can now finally rest”. As I get back up on my feet, a rope appears in my hands and a clear voice whispers, “Your not done yet….throw the rope down and help my precious daughters to their freedom.

I pause for a moment. I just want to move forward and put it all behind me, but I listen to the call. I exhale a heavy sigh, shrug off the tiredness in my bones, take in a deep breath and brace myself for the task ahead. I agree, “I’m not done yet. I cannot leave them behind, for You Lord did not leave me behind.”

I toss the rope into the chasm deep, lay myself down in a secure nook in the ridge and I find a spot to anchor it down at the bottom of the ravine below.

I begin calling out to the mass wandering blindly by. They are trampling each other looking for a way out of this mental prison of hopelessness, helplessness, and trauma bonds created by abuse, broken identity and self-worth. I see the ravenous wolves in sheeps clothing devouring many. So much death and blindness I see. Barely anyone hears my call.

Some finally reach the rope and start the journey upward.

I call out and I guide them holding steady the rope.

Day in and Day out I hold it steady, calling out to the passers by, and encouraging the ones who found it and are now making the climb up.

The pain of the journey out of the chasm is too much for most and day after day I watch them fall back in before they even make it halfway. Some barely reach the top before falling away crashing even harder into their mental chains.

Over time, I begin to grow weary of holding the rope and think to let go, then I hear the still voice again. ” Not yet,” it says, “Hold on. I made a way for you. You must hold on. Your purpose is not yet finished. I have called you to this and I will equip you in it. Hold on.”

I listen again, and breathe in new strength gripping tighter to the rope, calling louder than before, and in the distance…….I see her. Shoving her way through, pushing forward faster than most. Her prayers for help echoing across the ravine. Then I see the hounds of hell closing in. They will not give her up that easily. A new energy sets in and I begin cheering her on. “This way!!” I yell to her. “This way!! Over here!!” She sees the rope and lunges forward almost missing it in her grasp. She climbs quickly up over top of the others struggling to get free. She is pushing forward ever so hard.

I hold my breath…” Will she make it…this one? Is this the one I’ve been fighting for. Than I gasp as I watch her fall back, but she manages to grab hold of someone else as they throw out their arm to her. She starts back up, and this time……she reaches the top.

Free at last, she catches her breath and looks to the heavens. After a few moments pass a rope appears in her hands and she anchors herself in the ledge by my side and throws down her rope. Scarred, tattered , and bruised, now we are both calling out. “This way!” “Over here!” A new strength fills me as I see there is indeed hope after all, even if its just a small percent that may make it out. I know I can not stop fighting for those still lost behind. Even if its for just one.