Ever gleaning in the field of Gods love, safety, and provision. I will stay in your field, my God, I will not look elsewhere for you are my provider, food for my soul, and my hearts desire. You have shut out my enemy’s from my path and you monitor my steps allowing me to learn from my shortcomings and from all that is set before me, that it may be used for my good and for your Glory that I may walk boldly to your feet without fear of rejection. Omnipresent you are, my true love. I prepare myself for your arrival as a woman for her wedding day, and I dance in your mercy and grace, so lovingly poured over me as I endlessly seek your face. Oh, that I may never let go….of this passion for you within.
Inspired by Ruth chapter 2

11 October 2016

“Mama’s Home”

     Before I could blink my fear-filled eyes, my boyfriend Christopher’s blow knocked me to the ground. Fear gripped me from all around, and I thought this day might be my last. “Would I ever see my baby girl again? ” I wondered.  This event took place during the summer of 2013. My traumatic experience was not an isolated event however, as so many women today experience this type of abuse. I am only one of the few lucky ones to be able to escape, for my daughter Adora, who at the time was only eleven months old, was able to open my eyes to my situation of domestic violence (D.V.). Unfortunately  however, children are not enough motivation to flee an abuser in many cases of D.V.

Up until July 17th, 2013 I had never considered how the abuse I allowed in my life  was affecting my future, nor the effect it had on my daughter Adora. Up until this point, I was just a statistic in the library of misfortune that found myself in the isle of domestic violence with no known value other than a number I had become. On July 17th, 2013 I finally realized I was a victim.

Being laid out on the ground, or thrown into walls, was normal to me as I watched my own mother suffer from this kind of abuse when I was small.  My stepfather tried to kill her when I was fourteen and she was finally freed from his abuse. I swore I would never let anyone hurt me the way my stepfather hurt my mother, but I too ended up in a cycle of violence. I was not alone in my plight.  Intimate partner violence is extremely common, and Kim Bullock, a physician who specializes in emergency victimized medicine, reports that “three to four million women” in the U.S. “are battered each year” (1905).  Due to the number of reported victims, and the history within my family,  it is no surprise to me now that I became one of them when I met Christopher in June 2011.

Christopher and I moved in together within less then a month of knowing each other. I remember how excited I was in the beginning to be with someone who wanted me by his side every minute.  I had never been loved like this before. I was deeply drawn to him, but three months into our relationship, he started to change and his affection for me grew cold and left me clinging to empty dreams. I was afraid of the changes in him and I tried to leave, but he threatened to hurt my family, so I stayed. Suddenly, I was trapped.

A few months later I became pregnant, and he started to beat me. I experienced several types of abuse with him, but it wasn’t until after I became pregnant, that I really felt hopeless in my situation.  Dr. A.M.B. Golding, a consultant in public health out of the UK, found that, “The risk of violence” with a violent partner “was doubled in pregnancy” (307).  My pregnancy was not the exception, and because of the beatings and being forced to use hard drugs throughout the first and second trimesters, I was devastated.  I thought my baby would never make it , and I was terrified to bring a child into such a traumatic life.  I was even more afraid to leave him though, and I could not live with the thought of an abortion, so suicide was my only rationalized option.  I had no other way out in my mind, just like the reasons in Golding’s study that cause the victim to stay with the abuser.  They are “unsure of where to go” and “fearful of doing anything that might make it worse” (Golding 307).  My fear, grew like a black hole, and stole my will to live; I attempted to take my life at six months pregnant, but that was not the plan God had for my life.  I did not realize that in just a few more months I would be free. I thought I was stuck with a monster forever.

How I made it through the next year I do not recall, but it was the grace of God that brought me through July 17th, and he used my daughter who at this time was almost eleven months old. This day she would be the tool I needed to change, and if it wasn’t for her, I would not have made it through the day that my life was ultimately threatened.  I remember the event as if it happened this morning, for it is etched along the pathways of my memory like lava, cold and unmoving long after an eruption.

It was mid-morning in Rainbow, California, and the birds were chirping all around my home outside. The windows were open to let in the fresh morning air before having to turn on the A.C.  I remember that the front door was open too, because I was worried about the flies coming in.  I can’t recall why Christopher got angry with me, though. Maybe I had tried to close the door, because, without warning, I was sprawled out on the ground, inside the open doorway, with him looming over top of me. His fists were raised above my face ready to strike again.  I could see the sun disappear with my courage as he moved closer toward my head, and I raised my arms up to block his blows, screaming desperately for the neighbors to help me. No one heard me but my little girl, and paralyzed with fear, she stood at my side to my left.  I had been blind to her presence, as I had always been during moments like this.  This time was different though, and through the sound of my fear, and the screams in my head, I heard her start to wail. “Mommy, Mommy!” she cried out, causing me to forget all else and look in her direction.  Our eyes locked briefly.  She started to sob, and put her tiny hands over her blue eyes.  My focus was consumed by her despair, almost  as if time stood still, and all I could see was her.  I watched the sun kiss her golden curls, and the dirty tear rolling down her right cheek onto her blue jean overalls.  With my desire to rescue her a rush of adrenaline set in, and I couldn’t feel the pain of the blows anymore, just a fire raging inside like never before, emerging from somewhere deep within me.  Then came the visions of how my mother’s abuse affected my life early on, as she had allowed it to go on and on, and the anger toward such violence burned brightly in my mind.  I saw myself doing the same thing to Adora that my mother had done by letting the abuse continue, and my passion to protect my little girl flourished forth like a rushing river.  I determined within myself at that moment that I would never let Adora suffer the pain I felt, and when I was able, I swooped her up into my trembling arms, and ran out of the door to the rest of our life.

The hot sun on my face smelled of freedom, and the gusts of wind as we drove off with the windows down, resuscitated my lungs like a defibrillator to my heart with each mile that I got farther away, until I could finally, breathe again. After a while, I looked back at Adora through the rear-view mirror and said to her, “Mama’s home baby girl. Mama’s home.”

Adora saved my life that horrible day in July as she helped me find my will to live again. I was finally able to see my  role as Adora’s mother, and shortly after our escape I had Christopher arrested, and last year I successfully fought for full custody of her. I never knew what love truly was until that moment of clarity when I looked into Adora’s scared little eyes, and now that I know, I have committed to be present for Adora ever since. My eyes were opened that day, and I was finally able to see the power I had to choose.  Unfortunately, the cycle of abuse is hard to break, and Bullock reports that “violence is generally unlearned over a period of years” (1906).  In other words, it’s difficult to overcome the “learned behavior”(Bullock 1906). The change is continuous, however, I have broken the cycle that, so many are still bound to.

I knew that day in July that I would never stop fighting for our lives, and now today I fight for the lives of others still suffering. I am not the only one that was at risk of being stuck in an abusive cycle, as each day I wake I know someone out there is hurting, and it has become my life mission to help other victims find their way out of the same tunnel that I was so helplessly lost in.

Works Cited

Bullock, K. “Recognizing Domestic Violence.” Canadian Family Physician 42 (1996): 1905–1906. MEDLINE®/PubMed®. Web. 25 Sep. 2016.

Golding, A. M. B. “Domestic Violence.” Journal of the Royal Society of Medicine 95.6 (2002): 307–308. MEDLINE®/PubMed®. Web. 25 Sep. 2016.

“Oh Sexual Exploitation,

I cannot escape you,

For you set me up for every one of your forms

from such a young age;

The age of innocence

You stole from me.

Oh Sexual Exploitation,

I cannot escape you,

For you groomed me;

And as an adult,

You became my lover;

My friend.

You tricked me,

Into believing it was my choice,

And that it was you

I wanted for my life.

Oh Sexual Exploitation,

I cannot escape you,

For the scars I hold,

Invisible to most,

Tell how your love for me was hell.

They tell of the battle you waged,

Upon my mind

And how the razor….

….touched my wrists.

Oh Sexual Exploitation,

I cannot escape you.

For you invade my memories,

…Relentlessly.

You try to hold me

And break my mind,

(Now that I’ve been set free),

As if the damage you have done,

was not enough.

Oh Sexual Exploitation,

I cannot escape you,

For I still see you.

I see your reflection in the children’s eyes

As you wait for a doorway in.

I see you in the body language

of a father and daughter

Passing by.

I see you in the parking lot

At work,

On the street,

and in the school or church nearby.

I see you in the pain

Of the women whose hands I take

As they search for the way out

From under your dark shadow.

Oh Sexual Exploitation,

I cannot escape you,

For I do not forget…

….I will not forget…

What my God has done.

I cannot forget…

Where He has brought me from.

My Heavenly Father…

has called me

From victim to survivor,

From survivor to thriver,

And from thriver to fighter,

And now I’m coming for you.

Oh Sexual Exploitation,

I cannot escape you;

And you will not escape me.”

Marjorie F. Saylor

10/12/2017

Inspired by the events in my own life and the events I continue to see everyday as I fight exploitation and human sex trafficking.

I don’t feel like I have a responsibility to be happy, although with God, He makes a way for me to find joy even in sadness. In truth though, I do find that happiness resides within contentment and God fills my cup to overflow in it. I’m not saying I don’t have times of discontentment, anger, or even sadness, In fact I have it all and more, but, I choose to stay anchored in the presence of God and He fills my heart with laughter. When I find myself wandering into discontentment, it is very easy now to recognize as I become emotionally unstable and even depressed. When I can acknowledge this discomfort, I refocus myself and start in on thanksgiving. I start thanking God for what is yet to come, and the act of doing that changes my attitude. It’s taking a step forward in faith when I do this, and as the belief that things will change turns on in my mind, I turn my thoughts from mourning into thoughts of praise, putting me in an attitude of acceptance and gratitude.

I continue to find ways to be happy and I have found the best way is living a life with meaning. Living on purpose. My happiness is on purpose today. How I do this is by taking what I’m passionate about and I doing something with it. I spend my days trying to be of service to God, my family, my church, my community, and my friends. It brings a great sense of joy and refreshment to do something nice for someone else when needed. To make someone smile or help someone out of a bad situation is most rewarding. The most rewarding I find in this regard though, is doing things that take a lot out of me, like my trainings and speaking events, which are all done for the purpose of helping others, and can be quite re-traumatizing for me, but, because I’m not doing these things for anything in return, I get back so much more than I could ever give in happiness and contentment, as hard as it may seem to understand.

Lastly, I do things for myself today like going to the gym, and practicing self-care. I understand the need to give back to myself now. Loving myself was never a priority, and practicing self-care did not come easy for me, as I never learned how to love and care for myself. Being able to commit to myself to go to the gym, and do what I need to do to treat myself a little without feeling guilty, taking the time to write out my thoughts, and spending time in devotion with my Lord in the mornings, has all been a part of a new routine of self-care. It did not all start out at once and was not easy. It’s very hard to break old habits especially if they are emotionally and mentally blocked by years of negative damage. Have I succeeded at happiness? No. I am a major work in progress still, but, loving myself has helped in my happiness immensely. I understand today, more than ever before, what it means to live on purpose, to love on purpose, and to be happy on purpose, and it brings great joy to my life and my wish for you is the same.

M. Fawn Saylor 1/1/2016

What have I learned about being present, particularly in my recovery from Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder? Well, I do understand that recovery only happens one day at a time, so first of all, I do not need to worry about being in this pain for the rest of my life. I understand that focusing on the future, or the outcome, will only make the journey to healing harder, and possibly overwhelming at times. If I only focus on the “When will I be healed moment” I only take away from the energy needed to focus on the moments in today that I need strength for to get through this day. Understanding that each day will bring new struggles, I will instead focus my energy into gratitude. I choose to be grateful for the challenges that today will bring because I know I will only learn and grow from them. So I will look at each day as an opportunity to learn about my pain, my struggle, and study how I heal from it.

“Being present” in my recovery for me means accepting my condition as it is in its true definition, and not allowing myself to get caught up in the emotions of failure or thinking less of myself because I have PTSD. Being present in my recovery is applying the ability to actively identify my symptoms if and when they occur regardless if they are old or new. Being able to identify my symptoms has made a huge improvement on my response time to acknowledge the problem, and I am able for the most part to think myself back into reality, so to speak, once identified. If I go through the day focusing on when I will have an episode or panic attack, I find that I will no doubt cause one to occur as all my energy is being pushed toward that reality. Practicing “here and now” is essential to my recovery, and I choose to stay conscious in the present moment. I do recognize that as much as I can fall into thinking of the past and or future, I do find that I am much more at peace when focused on the moment, this here and now. I leave you with a quote that resonates with me in this matter. “Starting today I need to forget what’s gone, appreciate what’s left, and look forward to what’s coming next” Unknown. I refuse to live in fear of my own mind. I accept the past and move forward. I choose to live in gratitude today no matter what happens.

M. Fawn Saylor 1/1/2016

As I kneel at the foot of your cross I can barely lift my head to look upon the suffering that you have chosen to bare for me. I feel shame and guilt for my portion of bringing this to be. You who knew no sin and are innocent, you who are so holy, and worthy of praise. You who ought to be lifted up on a throne not upon rotting wood soaked in sinners blood. You who gave everything out of love knowing what I would do with it, and you still choose to take my place here today. I feel the emptiness in the air as your Father looks away from you as all my sin falls upon your head. I feel the sorrow and despair as you call out “My God my God why have you forsaken me?” and hear no answer in return. I manage to look up and I see your sorrow filled eyes looking so lovingly upon me and I hear you faintly say to me…” You are worth it all.” Then as you breathe your last breath you call out. “It is finished, she is free.” As the sky darkens thunder shakes the earth and I struggle to stand and grasp at your feet to keep from falling, then I here a voice say,” Behold This is My son, in whom I am well pleased,… and this is my daughter who shall spend eternity with me. ” I gently kiss your feet as your head falls to your chest and drop to my knees again sobbing, but this time I hear our Father say, “Arise, You are forgiven.”

M. Fawn Saylor
Dec 31, 2015 Listen to this song by Bethel Music

Written on Christmas morning 2015.

When it comes to love, we were meant to shine. This is a message that most resonates with me right now. I see so much more clearly now, what this means to me today, and I am still striving to perfect this journey to discovering my own self-worth and truth. For many years I lived in such shame of who I really was, and  because of what others did in response to that part of me, I felt like I needed to hide it. I suppressed my loving and easily trusting traits as a result of so much negative reception. Although I suffered from early childhood abuse and negative affirmation, I was taught to give of myself and love with all my heart. I wore my heart on my sleeve. Showing affection to the people that I cared about (other than my immediate family whom I deeply distrusted) was so easy for me. Saying I love you, or I miss you, or I need you in my life, was a natural thing for me to do. Expressing my love for another human being was a joy because I deeply cared. After time I grew to hate that part of me though, because I keep getting denied the same love that I was showing and the feelings of rejection and betrayal became too much for me to handle. It was killing me inside. Needless to say I was loving all the wrong people and for all the wrong reasons. Because of all the family distrust and negative affirmation from childhood I twisted my gift of love with the need to be loved. Furthermore, I subconsciously sought out after unavailable people because that is what I became accustomed to growing up. My whole family was in some way or another emotionally unavailable to me. That set a standard in my mind of what love looked like without me having any ability to recognize what I was doing to myself. I was literally going crazy in my mind. I did not understand how people would reject my love for them. If it was me being shown this love I would have gladly accepted it as I felt such a burning desire for it. I began to feel like there was something wrong with me and combined with my feelings of worthlessness, which were already hidden inside of me from traumatic events that had happened early on, I taught myself how to turn off my emotions. I was so tired of hurting and longing and desiring this thing called love, which I no longer understood; that I told myself that there was no such thing as love in this world. Did it help me? Unfortunately no, it did not. All it did was allow me to hide behind my shadow self for fear of any pain or rejection. At the time I felt in control but in all actuality I was never in control. I was in fact spiraling further down in my quest for wholeness that ended in a life of sexual and other forms of exploitation, further damaging me to a point where I tried to take my own life. It was at that point where I grew courage to make a change and believe again in something so lost and foreign to me. Love. The answer was there all along, but it was neither my love nor the love of any other. It was my first love. Jesus. I had to go back to the place where my heart was opened to love to begin with. A real love. I called out to God and said show me what you see in me, for I see nothing of any value. I believe I said, help me with my unbelief. Sure enough He did. In a moment He showed me how He saw me. I saw myself (as though threw a mirror) as an extravagant gift to God Himself. Perfectly and wonderfully made to love and serve Him for His cause. He gave me the ability to forgive myself making me whole little by little. This realization opened me up to love again as I continued to pray for a broken heart for those hurting like myself. I prayed for His heart and His eyes to see how to love without needing it back in return, and, now my heart is full from His love in me. So now my secret (that I tried to hide) that I thought was so dark and dirty, is now my public life and I am free to give of it like never before. In a pure way now. Love is the greatest gift of all. His love. Free love. A love to make you shine again. A love to make us whole.

Marjorie Saylor

12/22/2015